No fault, no blame (12.8.12)

No fault, no blame

Can’t we all just stay the same?
Birthing pain in my lower abdomen, desperate cries want to bleat. Suffocated sounds, they rest down here with the rest of my conditioned mind. Rest is not found in the weary of mind or heart. The wrestling with my words brings me back to this place of peace. I wrestle these fucking words to the ground, hounding myself to the death. I can’t rest myself to know the truth, I have to find it in the stream, the fear, the honesty. I have to find it in the space in between… In the midst of my pulling and tugging on my joy and pushing of sadness. I have to do nothing. I don’t remember it at all, those long nights before nightfall. I rested my gaze upon your eyes, and all that I knew was gone in those instances. You were my friend, my confidant I held so close and dear. A drop it is, but that doesn’t make me feel any fucking better. Loss is loss is loss, though I didn’t notice. Am I looking for a big deal to be made? I am feeling the explosions in my pained heart, I whisk away the tears and years I’ve bled for you. The agonizing moments you’ve put me through, the trails and tribulation that you knew not a thing of. You felt not a stitch of grief in my pain and suffering, and I hated you for it. I hated that you never knew any better, and that we never could see completely eye to eye on these things. These gaps in history left me wanting, lacking, yearning and aching for more. I didn’t know then what I do know now, and that is that what I ached for was my own embrace, my own truth, my own loving gaze.

For everything,
There is indeed
A season.

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One thought on “No fault, no blame (12.8.12)

  1. May the Comforter fill you with the peace that surpasses all understanding. May your heart be filled with the Love of the Beloved. May you know how much you are loved, cherished and romanced by the Source of all Love. May you know who you really are: Love!

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