Coming Back to Me (2.27.13)

Silence like a cancer grows.

— Simon and Garfunkel

Beneath the starlit sky, I stand in the expanse, ready to fly. Where I’ll land I may not know, but all I do is that I won’t be where I’ve been before. The groundless sky carries me home, home to the true stability, the true constancy — my self. Here in the confines of my mind I am free. My identity is not tied to him, he, she, or we. Here, I am free Independently to be me. This does not mean that I won’t agree to be us, but I also won’t agree to be a puppet, being puppeteered by my own insecurities, emotions, and inner conflicts triggered by your actions. My heart is sacred ground, and the primary offender of it is myself and abandoning it.
My heart feels separated right now because I don’t want to forgive you or excuse you and your inconsideration. I need to go at my own pace with all of this, and you going full speed ahead is frightening and scary when I have been believing that you are branching out away from me, to separate, to leave. I have been believing that you will choose another over me, that you will depart in ways I won’t be prepared for, so I prepare my mind… I ready my armor, I draw my sword, ready to fight off and fend against any hurt or pain. I grow weary from the battle – the long hours cycling in the possibilities, the outlook of the future. I grow weepy at the chance of loss, and simultaneously become grateful for the sense of fulfillment I am feeling from sitting in my own power and not feeling the need to control your destiny or choices.

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